


The Adventure of the Cheese Slicer (not really)

by the_girl_that_time_forgot



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Gen, Secret Santa, a heist gone wrong, doom coalition, doom coalition team, once upon a time in amsterdam, or at least not as planned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 14:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12889827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_girl_that_time_forgot/pseuds/the_girl_that_time_forgot
Summary: Just another day for the Doctor, Liv and Helen.A Classic Who Secret Santa (2017) gift for dapurinthos, the prompt was: Doom Coalition Team pulling off a heist, which probably goes badly :)





	The Adventure of the Cheese Slicer (not really)

Spring in Amsterdam, year 2015. It was supposed to be a nice stop to rest from all the monsters of the Universe. However, the Universe had its own plans, so instead of drinking coffee in a cute little café, Helen was standing with the Doctor and Liv on the pavement in front of a peculiar place, looking at a plastic cow. 

'Doctor, are you sure this is the right spot?'

'Of course, Liv, look at these readings! They're almost out of scale, there's no mistake about that!'

'All right, I can see it, but really, it's a... cheese museum. How could a powerful Time Lords' device have ended up here?'

'I have no idea. They could have hidden it here on purpose, but somehow I doubt that. The High Council and the CIA like to keep all their weapons where they can easily reach them whenever they want. Anyway, such device shouldn't stay on Earth, it's too dangerous.'

'What does it actually do?'

'Well, the only thing I know is that the timelines around this point of space and time are slightly bent in the wrong direction. The TARDIS sensed it when we tried to land and that's why all the alarms went off. I tuned my screwdriver to detect any advanced time technology that could cause it.'

'OK, so we just find the device, take it with us and keep it safe?'

'That's exactly what we're going to do, Helen. Now, let's get inside, shall we?'

* * * 

Helen sighed. The police station had many windows, brightly painted walls, clean and organised desks and quite cheerful atmosphere, but outside it got very cloudy and the passers-by were opening their umbrellas. She hoped they would get out of the station soon, even if it meant they would have to walk back to the TARDIS in the rain. She and Liv had been asked a few questions, they had to pretend they were just some clueless tourists who had lost their IDs and, surprisingly, it worked. Now they were drinking bad coffee in the waiting room, hoping for some news about the Doctor. Well, it was all his fault – he didn't have to touch the bloody thing in the museum. On the other hand, it was just a cheese slicer, or at least it looked like a cheese slicer, but the Doctor claimed it was the device they were looking for. However, Helen didn't even had a chance for a closer look because the security guard took them outside and the police arrived only seconds later. They must have been on patrol in the neighbourhood. Something about it didn't feel right, though.

'It was weird, don't you think? This guard came out of nowhere, I haven't seen him in the museum when we entered,' she said quietly. 

Liv took another sip of coffee and winced. 'I haven't seen him either, but it doesn't mean he wasn't just standing somwhere in the corner not to bother the visitors.'

'He did bother us!'

'He had a reason. This slicer was made of platinum, if I read the plate correctly. It must be worth quite much.'

'All right, if that's the case... How are we going to take it then?'

'I'm sure the Doctor will think of something. I'm not so sure, though, if we will like his idea.'

'That is if he ever gets out of this station- Ah, there he is!' Helen exclaimed and pointed at the end of the corridor, where they could see the Doctor marching happily towards them. 

'Helen, Liv, I'm sorry you waited so long,' he said when he reached them, 'those policemen are really passionate about their job. I had to use all my charm and three packets of jelly babies-'

'Nevermind Doctor, let's get out of here before they change their minds,' Liv interrupted and pushed them towards the door. 'We still have to think about what to do with the time device.'

'Really? I thought that would be obvious,' the Doctor replied, pulling an umbrella out of his pocket. How on Earth did he manage to keep it in there, Helen wondered, not for the first time. Then she heard the Doctor's statement:

'We're going to pull off a heist!'

* * * 

Helen left the Doctor and Liv in the console room and went to the wardrobe to change into some dry clothes. On their way back from the police station the drizzle turned into a heavy rain and one umbrella for three persons didn't offer much protection against the water. She chose a blue pullover and a grey woolen skirt, quickly put them on and started to dry her hair as well. 

When she came back to the console room, The Doctor and Liv were finishing their work on programming the sonic screwdriver to turn the museum alarm off. The plan was simple: The Doctor and Helen were to enter the museum stealthly at night and take the time device, Liv was tasked with keeping the watch outside and warning them if any troubles came. 'Piece of cake,' the Doctor said. 'We've done things like that plenty of times.'

'Do you want me to remind you, in how many cases did we end up chased, captured or interrogated?'

'No, thank you Liv, that would be all. Come on, this is just a small museum in a peaceful country. What could possibly-'

'Don't you dare end that sentence,' Liv cut in and gave the Doctor back his screwdriver. 'Here, it's all set. Just be quick and quiet and we may have a chance of actually doing something according to plan for once.'

'Loving your optimism, Liv!' the Doctor teased with this charming smile of his and then hid behind the console to avoid the daggers Liv's eyes were throwing at him. Helen smiled at their banter and decided to step in to keep Liv from getting grumpy for all night. 

'I'm sure that whatever awaits us in the museum, we'll be ready to deal with it,' she said cheerfully. 'Also, I've already stolen a large museum collection, remember? You've got yourselves a pro here!'

That managed to bring a smile on Liv's face and the Doctor tried to go with the flow. 'Do you know what does every heist team need?' he asked enthusiastically. 'Codenames! Helen, you'll be... Indiana!' 

'Like... one of America's states?' Helen asked, uncertain of what the Doctor had on his mind.

'No no no no no, Indiana Jones! Famous archeologist and adventurer,' the Doctor explained. 'Don't you know him? No, of course you don't, he's from the eighties... but haven't I showed you the movies? Oh, they're classics, you're gonna love them! My favourite one is The Last Crusade, there's Sean Connery playing Indiana's father and they're trying to beat up the Nazis in the search for the Holy Grail-'

'All right Doctor, let's focus on our job first. Bent timelines, remember?' Liv interrupted again. 'The sooner we get them straight, the better. So Helen is Indiana, I'll be Eagle One, you'll be Eagle Two. Happy? Now take these earpieces and let's go – the museum should be closed by now and it's already dark.' 

Helen had to supress the urge to answer back 'yes, mum,' although she liked Liv for keeping the Doctor on track because he really was easily distracted... Or maybe he just seemed so? She wasn't sure. Nevertheless, from her experience when things got bad he always stayed sharp-witted and pulled them out of every dangerous situation so far. She hoped this escapade won't be any different. 

* * *

When they arrived on spot, the street was indeed dark and empty. The sonic screwdriver did its job and the alarm stayed silent. Liv waited outside while the Doctor and Helen tried to find their way in the dark museum. 

'The cabinet was right here,' the Doctor whispered and changed the setting on his screwdriver to the one for detecting time technology. 'It's strange... I'm not picking any signal from the device.' 

'Because the device is not here anymore,' came a flat response from somewhere near the entrance. Helen gasped and turned around, turning her torch on in the direction of the strange voice. The light revealed a humanoid shape with long straight hair.

'Let's see each other properly, then,' the stranger sighed and the lamps in the room went on. Now Helen could observe that it was a woman, tall, blonde, and quite pretty, but with some posh air about her. 

'Hello, I'm the Doctor,' the Doctor was saying as if he was meeting someone on a party and not being caught on attempted burglary. 'And who might you be? One of the CIA agents, I presume?' 

'Agent Ivoratremanoloran, Celestial Intervention Agency,' the woman replied. 

'What happened to the time device?' Helen asked nervously, but felt a little braver when she saw Liv entering the room. 

'Yeah, have you perhaps finally turned it off and taken it back to Gallifrey, where it can do no harm to Earth's timelines?' Liv asked, folding her arms and staring at the CIA agent. 

'Why yes, that's exactly what we did,' replied the agent. 'You must be Liv Chenka and Helen Sinclair – nice to meet you, and you, Doctor, as well. Don't look at me like that, I made sure of who you all are right after your first attempt at stealing the device this afternoon.' 

'Did the security guard and these policemen who took us to the station have something to do with you?' Helen asked, remembering her misgivings about these persons. 

'Yes, they are our agents, too. We arrived here three earthly days ago to establish who had activated the device and what had their purpose been in doing so. One agent was set as a security guard inside, the rest of us were observing the museum from our TARDIS. We hadn't noticed any suspicious activity until you arrived.' 

'We only wanted to secure the device after my TARDIS picked up some traces of a temporal divergence around this point in space and time,' the Doctor said quickly. 

The blonde woman smiled. 'You are not a suspect, Doctor. The device had been activated before your arrival, we've checked that. And we've managed to capture the culprit about ten minutes ago, right before your break in. One of the Firexlas species - they look like foxes standing on hind legs. He was probably hired by a Nekkistani rebel faction, we found their technology on him.'

The Doctor looked surprised. 'So, it seems like the CIA is able to do a job right, at least from time to time. Congratulations, agent Ivora.' 

The woman smiled. 'Thank you, Doctor- wait, did you feel that?' 

The Doctor looked worried. 'Yes, and I have a bad feeling about this.'

'What's going on?' Liv and Helen asked simultanously.

'There was a time-shift. Someone has changed the recent past,' the Doctor explained, shooting an accusatory look at the CIA agent, but she seemed anxious about it, too. 'It wasn't us,' she said and turned on her commlink. 'Mertan, Assys – what's your status? I thought the device had been deactivated?' 

She waited for a response, but when none came she tried again. 'Mertan, Assys, Carrell – report, now!'

Meanwhile, Helen looked around the room and noticed something strange. 'Um, Doctor? I think the device is in the cabinet again.' 

Everyone turned around to see that indeed the thing looking like a cheese slicer was inside its glass casing. Agent Ivora pulled out her blaster and positioned herself in front of the cabinet. Then there was a loud 'click' sound and a white fox-like creature appeared in the middle of the room. 

'Stand still or I'll shoot you,' Ivora shouted and pointed her gun at the newcomer's head. The fox looked around the room and before anyone could react, he grabbed Helen and they both disappeared. 

* * *

The museum door opened and the two fake policemen walked in. 

'We're sorry, ma'am, the stinky fox must have set something in the device before we shut it down and the timelines shifted just so we didn't catch him like we did last time,' one of them said.

Ivora took it calmly. 'All right, at least he didn't steal the device, it's still here-' 

'But he took Helen!' Liv shouted, clearly angry and distressed.

'I know, Liv,' the Doctor replied, 'don't worry, we'll find her. Oh, hello, Helen!' 

Liv's eyes went wide as she saw Helen standing just beside her. 

'Are you all right?' she asked, clearly worried that something bad has happened to her friend. Helen smiled, touched by her care and quickly replied. 'I'm fine, although I seem to remember something strange... like there was this white fox who took my arm and... now I'm here and I've always been here, haven't I?' 

Liv looked at the Time Lords. 'Another time-shift?' 

'Yes,' the Doctor agreed, 'that's why we remember now three versions of the recent events.'

'So, where's the device this time?' 

Everybody turned to looked at the cabinet to see the Firexlas getting his paws on the slicer. Next moment the CIA agents were shouting and shooting from their blasters, so Helen and Liv took shelter under the reception desk. After a few minutes of chaos everything went silent so Liv decided to check the outcome. 'Doctor, are you all right?' she asked loudly. 

'Yes, thank you, Liv. Are you-' 

'We're both fine,' Liv replied quickly and stood up from behind the desk. Helen decided to take a look as well. The fox-like alien was laying on the floor with his hands cuffed, all the Time Lords were alive and relatively well. The cabinet, however, was in pieces and the time device seemed... somewhat scorched. Ivora was looking angrily at her agents. 'Who fried the device? I told you to be careful with this! Now Narvin will have our heads-' 

'Come now, I'm sure it won't be that bad,' the Doctor chimed in cheerfully, 'just write in your report that no temporal power will be able to use it anymore – that was your mission's objective, wasn't it?' 

'Our objective was to gather information about our enemies and to retrieve the device so we could have it functional,' Ivora glared at the Doctor. 'You did it, am I right?' 

The Doctor tried to look as innocent as he could. 'I don't really know, there was blaster fire everywhere, so it could be anyone, besides, I don't even carry a blaster... and look, the cameras are fried, too!' 

Ivora sighed heavily and gestured for her agents to remove the Firexlas from the floor. 'I hope we won't meet again too soon, Doctor.' 

The Doctor chuckled. 'Same to you, agent Ivora - and send my regards to Narvin! Helen, Liv – let's get back to the TARDIS and in the morning we can go and see the Vermeer's paintings, as I've promised you. Or,' he exclaimed, 'I've got an even better idea! Why don't we see the man himself in Delft in the 17th century!' 

Helen looked at Liv. 'It's always like that, isn't it – from one adventure to another, without any break and with plans that never work out,' she said. 

Liv gave her a tired smile and a nod.

'That's all right when I'm doing that with friends,' Helen grinned, then took Liv's hand and pulled her along to catch up with the Doctor.


End file.
